So I’ve been a bit AWOL from the blogging scene for a bit. Personal stuff has kept me away from the ol’ Internet, not the least of which was me applying for (and accepting) a NEW JOB!!! This job involves giving a lot of presentations, so, as part of the application process, I was asked to prepare a five-minute “legal defense” of a prominent pop-culture figure.
My presentation is below – but first, some recommended reading. It’s admittedly not the most solid defense, but it got me the job, so… Whatevs.
It is the defense’s assertion that the plaintiff, Gertrude McFuzz, has levelled her suit against her uncle, Dr. Dake, as a means of salving her own conscience for her irrational and ill-advised use of a readily-available, naturally-occurring tail supplement. Indeed, to say that any reasonable fault lies with the shoddy or irresponsible practice or methodology of Dr. Dake would be to deny that Ms. McFuzz acted against professional advice by voluntarily ingesting the pill-berry pills that led to her unfortunate condition. That said, I intend to prove three points, which will, when taken in concert, eliminate any doubt that Dr. Dake is responsible for the negative effects of Ms. McFuzz’s unfortunate condition:
- That Dr. Dake directed his niece to the safest available alternative treatment for avian caudal deficiency only after Ms. McFuzz demonstrated that she would take unilateral action without his guidance,
- That Dr. Dake provided satisfactory guidance, monitoring, and follow-up care consistant with appropriate physician-patient interaction that ultimately saved Ms. McFuzz’s long-term mobility, and
- That the true culprit and cause of Ms. McFuzz’s misfortune is an as-yet unprosecuted third party.
Let me begin by drawing your attention to the progress note from Ms. McFuzz’s medical record. Dr. Dake clearly notes that Ms. McFuzz insisted on elective treatment, even after she was informed that her tail was “just right for [her] kind of bird,” or a bird of her size and weight. Upon receipt of this news, Ms. McFuzz proceeded to throw a series of tantrums that threatened to disturb the restful recuperation of other clients in the clinic. She repeatedly claimed that it was vitally important that she have a tail as luxurious as that of her neighbor, one Lolla-Lee-Lou. It was only following these tantrums that Dr. Dake directed his niece to the pill-berry vine at the top of the hill.
It should here be noted that the pill-berry has been deemed safe for use by the FDA.
Now, to accuse Dr. Dake of willful negligence would be to overlook the fact that, even with an approved over-the-shrubbery supplement, the good doctor performed necessary care and follow up for his client. Dr. Dake visited Ms. McFuzz shortly after her unfortunate overdose and witnessed the results first-hand. Upon seeing how a mass of thirty-seven tail feathers impeded Ms. McFuzz’s flight, Dr. Dake mobilized his highly-trained medical team to air-lift his patient to an emergency operating room, where he then performed an unprecedented thirty-six stage gluteal featherectomy. All throughout the operation, Dr. Dake remained attentive to his patient’s needs.
Finally, to address the third point: to identify the party truly responsible for Ms. McFuzz’s damages. Dr. Dake directed Ms. McFuzz to the pill-berry as a potential treatment based on all the available literature. The pill-berry vine is the intellectual property of Once-ler Pharmaceuticals, who recently developed the supplement and presented it to market. An investigation into Once-ler Pharmaceuticals, helped along by an unnamed informant who wished only to speak for the trees, has revealed that the pill-berry is not a naturally occurring as the company has claimed. In fact, the pill-berry vine is a genetically modified variant of the capsule-fruit bush.
I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, but the capsule-fruit was recently taken off the market after it was discovered to cause a large string of side-effects, including, as you can see from this disclaimer document, “excessive gluteal feathering.” How this same plant has once again made it to market is still something of a mystery, although our source at Once-ler believes that the company’s recent acquisition by investment tycoon Martin Shkreli provides a likely explanation.
In summation: Dr. Dake acted according to best medical practice in his care of Ms. McFuzz. Firstly, he advised her against the use of unregulated supplements. Secondly, when Ms. McFuzz elected for treatment over her physician’s wishes, he provided adequate follow-up to address all side effects in a timely manner. Thirdly, the resulting side-effects could not have been properly predicted by either Dr. Dake or Ms. McFuzz due to a willful deception perpetrated by the management and manufacturers at Once-ler Pharmaceuticals. Thus, the defense proposes that all charges against Dr. Dake be dropped, and we would further encourage Ms. McFuzz to join in on the class-action suit currently being brought against Mr. Shkreli and Once-ler. Thank you for your time.